Do You Let Your Spouse Seduce You?
By: Risa Ganel, LCMFT Owner/Principle Therapist
Do you let your spouse seduce you?
Remember when you were dating and desperately wanted the attention of your significant other. It was fun and exciting, and the thought of their touch was enough to make you melt. Fast forward to the present day. Do you feel the same? Or, do you spend more time turning your partner down than trying to attract their attention?
When your levels of interest don’t match
It’s really OK if you have different levels of interest at different times. In fact, it’s unrealistic to think that you would both be raring to go at the same time all the time. But, while you may not always “feel” in the mood when your partner is, it doesn’t mean you have to reject their advances.
An essential factor to handling those times when you aren’t really in the mood is to have a willingness to be seduced. The word seduction stems from Latin and literally means “leading astray”. And the definition in the Merriam Webster dictionary is, “something that attracts or charms”. So, the key is allowing yourself to be led astray and charmed by and attracted to your spouse. Instead, of slapping their hand away or shutting down their advances, be willing to change course.
Many of my clients say that while they aren’t in the mood when their spouse first shows interest if they are willing to get going sexually with their partner, they really enjoy it!
The importance of your willingness
Allowing yourself to be seduced will only work if you are willing and engaged. Just going through the motions with your spouse isn’t the same and won’t leave either of you feeling satisfied when you’re done.
Imagine that you wanted to have a conversation with your spouse. So, they sat down and let you talk. They were there physically, but they made it obvious they weren’t in the mood to have a conversation. They appeared distant, sighed heavily, and didn’t engage in the conversation with you. Would you be satisfied with that conversation? Probably not. That’s how your spouse feels when you turn them down or agree but do so while letting them know you aren’t interested.
How to be seduced
One of the main ways you can allow yourself to be seduced by your spouse is to remove all excuses for saying no by taking the pressure off yourself. You don’t have to look like you did when you were 18. It’s ok if you didn’t shave your legs this morning. And, maybe your shirt is stained with baby food and spit up. That’s ok. You don’t have to be or look perfect. It’s unrealistic. Your spouse is pursuing you because they want to be with you.
Is he doing that silly dance in the kitchen with that look in his eye that used to make you smile and laugh?
Is he thoughtfully rubbing your back after a long day as you stand at the sink washing dishes? You may want to get the dishes done and have a million tasks on your mind, but allowing yourself to be seduced means giving in to letting go of those tasks and attending to a special part of your relationship that is enjoyable, playful and secures the bond the two of you have.
Remember, that in a healthy relationship you should always have the right to say “no”. At the same time, having that right also gives you the freedom to choose to say “yes” to being seduced and can lead to many enjoyable encounters together.