How Can A Woman Let Love In If She’s Normally The Type To Put Up Walls And Prevent Herself From Falling In Love?
By: Risa Ganel, LCMFT Owner/Principle Therapist
Couples Therapy Columbia MD
“I’ve built walls; a fortress, steep and mighty; that none may penetrate; I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain; its laughter and its loving I disdain; I am a rock; I am an island.
Don’t talk of love; well, I’ve heard the words before; it’s sleeping in my memory; I won’t disturb the slumber; of feelings that have died; if I never loved, I never would have cried; I am a rock; I am an island.
… And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries.” – Paul Simon, I Am a Rock
Being in a relationship of any kind means risk… the risk of getting hurt, of being disappointed or let down. If you repeatedly put up walls to protect yourself from any risk of hurt and disappointment, you doom yourself to never experiencing true love. Relationships inherently involve vulnerability. You can’t be in a good relationship and at the same time protect yourself from ever being hurt.
If you want to let love in, you have to embrace the idea that your partner will disappoint you, will let you down. Expect it and accept it. Just as you’d be the last to claim to be perfect, why would you expect that of your partner? Once you realize this, you can let go of the fear of the unknown – “Will he disappoint me?” The answer is, “Of course he will. He’s human and just as fallible as you.”
The important thing is to realize that this doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve made a mistake about this relationship, or about being in a relationship at all. Think about it like the pain scale doctors use, where zero is no pain and 10 is the worst pain imaginable. How much pain are you willing to experience some of the time, if in return you get to love and be loved? How much pain are you willing to experience before giving up on this specific relationship? That’s what will tell you when this relationship is not right for you. For example, you may decide you can handle his frequently being late even though it disappoints or frustrates you; but you can’t tolerate his repeated rudeness to your friends or family.
We learn how to love, to risk, and to experience connection and comfort from our very first relationships… with our parents. If you’re repeatedly putting up walls and aren’t able to experience the connection you desire in an adult relationship, it’s important that you find a therapist who can help you with couples therapy in Columbia, MD and figure out why and create new and better ways of coping.