Sexuality can be confusing. Many people grow up hearing that wanting sex is normal and not wanting it means something is wrong. This is not always true. Asexuality is a real and valid orientation that more people are learning about today.
Some think asexual means someone hates sex or cannot feel love. These ideas miss the truth. Asexuality does not mean someone avoids closeness or cannot form deep bonds. It simply means that a person does not feel sexual attraction to others, or only feels it rarely.
What Is Asexuality?
Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a medical problem. An asexual person does not feel sexual attraction the way most people do. Some want romantic relationships, some do not. Some feel comfortable having sex for reasons like wanting kids or being close with a partner. Others prefer not to have sex at all.
In Relational Life Therapy, we remind people that healthy relationships are built on honesty. Naming your truth is key. If you are asexual, sharing what you want and what you do not want helps you protect your sense of self and connect with others who respect you.
Asexuality vs. Celibacy
Many people confuse asexuality with celibacy. Celibacy is a choice to not have sex, often for religious or personal reasons. Asexuality is not a choice; it is about not feeling sexual desire for others in the first place.
It is also not the same as having a low sex drive due to stress, depression, or medical conditions. Many asexual people feel happy and healthy. They just do not experience sexual attraction the way others do.
Love and Intimacy for Asexual People
Being asexual does not mean living alone forever. Many asexual people have strong, loving, and committed relationships. They may enjoy cuddling, kissing, hand-holding, or other forms of closeness. Some want romantic partners. Some are happy with friendships and family bonds.
Relational Life Therapy teaches that closeness comes from truth-telling and mutual respect. If you are asexual, it helps to talk openly about what kind of touch and closeness you enjoy. If you are with an asexual partner, you can ask honest questions about what intimacy means to them.
How Partners Can Support Each Other
If you learn your partner is asexual, you might feel confused or rejected at first. It is normal to have questions. Try not to take it personally. Your partner’s orientation is not about you lacking something.
Relational Life Therapy invites couples to be both loving, but always truthful. Talk openly about each person’s needs and limits. Some couples find creative ways to meet each other’s needs that feel good for both partners.
For example, some couples may agree to have sex less often, focus more on other forms of intimacy, or find ways to balance sexual and non-sexual closeness. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. The important thing is that both people feel heard and respected.
Questions to Reflect On
If you are asexual, you do not have to figure it all out at once. Ask yourself:
- What kinds of relationships do I want in my life?
- What does closeness look like for me?
- How can I explain my needs clearly to people I care about?
If you are with an asexual partner, ask yourself:
- Am I willing to hear my partner’s truth without blame?
- Can I share my own needs honestly and kindly?
- How can we create a relationship that feels good for both of us?
When to Seek Help
Sometimes couples or individuals feel stuck. Maybe you want different things. Maybe you feel unsure how to talk about it. Maybe one person in the relationship thinks they may be asexual. A person’s sexuality is just a part that makes up the whole of who we are as people. My office can provide you with a sex therapist trained in Relational Life Therapy to help you navigate your feelings and these honest conversations with a partner.
