A sexless marriage is typically defined as a relationship where physical intimacy occurs less than 10 times per year. Some couples may consider their marriage sexless if physical intimacy happens less frequently than desired, even if it exceeds the 10-times-per-year threshold. Ultimately, what constitutes a sexless marriage depends on the satisfaction levels of both partners involved.
A sexless relationship can leave you feeling disconnected, frustrated, and uncertain about your future together. While it’s a sensitive topic that many couples hesitate to address, addressing the issue is crucial for rekindling your connection.
Common Causes of Sexless Marriages
The Fading Flame
In many marriages, sexual intimacy gradually diminishes due to life’s demands. Exhaustion from work, parenting, and global stressors can leave couples too drained for physical connection. Couples get stuck into thinking that less sexual intimacy is all part of the aging process.
The Sexual Brain’s Balancing Act
Your sexual response involves both an “accelerator” and “brakes.” While the accelerator responds to stimulation, the brakes react to valid reasons for avoiding arousal. Various factors can disrupt this delicate balance, leading to a decrease in sexual activity.
Why Do Couples Have Sex?
Contrary to popular belief, sex isn’t driven by a biological necessity like hunger or thirst. Research shows that couples who prioritize intimacy are more likely to maintain a healthy sex life. The brain’s dual control system for sexual response consists of accelerators and brakes.
Accelerators include stimuli like lingerie, romantic settings, or emotional connections, while brakes typically involve actions that turn us away from our partner, like bad breath, or resentment. Understanding this mechanism is crucial for couples looking to revitalize their sexual relationship.
Reconnecting Intimacy in Your Marriage
First, let’s rule out pain
Sex should not hurt. Ever. If you feel any physical discomfort at all, stop engaging and see a doctor to rule out a health issue. If you are cleared by a doctor, remember that your body needs time for physical intimacy. Slow everything down. Focus on creating a “wanting” in your partner. Decide how ready you are for touch and what kind of touch and work on communicating this with your partner.
Is the sex you are having not that great?
Some people have sex, even infrequently, but aren’t that enthusiastic about it because the sex they are having isn’t that great. Underlying factors like shame from past abuse, painful experiences, or erectile dysfunction can contribute to these struggles. Conversations about this can be really tough without the help of a sex therapist.
If there is no pain, and the sex you have is connecting, but you are still struggling with having the sex life you want, communication is key.
Perhaps the lack of intimacy stems from underlying communication issues, unresolved conflicts, or health concerns. Take time to assess your relationship honestly, considering factors like stress, emotional connection, and individual needs. If you aren’t able to discuss this, because these are really tough topics, sex therapy can help.
What can you expect from Sex Therapy that will help with a sexless marriage?
First, a sex therapist will help you open up the lines of communication, so you can begin to express your feelings, hear from your partner and learn how to have intimate conversations. Your therapist might ask you to set aside distractions, especially phones, and plan for quality “face-to-face” time. Once you and your partner feel more comfortable talking about your sex life and understanding how you both contributed to the challenge you are facing, therapy will help you create goals that reflect where you both want to go.
If you’re struggling to connect with your partner, please know it doesn’t have to be this way. With the right tools and support, you can overcome these challenges and discover more emotional and physical intimacy in your relationship. I can help you identify the underlying issues, develop effective strategies, and rebuild your emotional connection. Reach out today.
