Physicians use the word “trauma” to describe a serious injury to the physical body resulting from a sudden impact, such as an accident or a violent act. But you can also suffer emotional trauma, which can cause an equally painful wound to your sense of self as a whole, coherent being. Just like a wound to your physical body, emotional injuries also require care and attention so that you may heal.
When this trauma is left unresolved and your experience of yourself is one of not being whole—of somehow being broken—you are likely to bring the footprints of this to your relationships. To have healthy relationships, you must first have a healthy sense of your own being and place in the world. And healthy means not viewing yourself as less than anyone else OR better than anyone else.
Let’s take a brief look at trauma, its origins and symptoms, and then how this may affect your relationships.
Origins and Effects of Childhood Emotional Trauma
Emotional injuries result from any experience in which one feels that his or her life, essential worth, or well-being is endangered. There are two categories of emotional injuries: Type I is Disempowerment and Type II False Empowerment.
Disempowering traumas might include the shaming of a young person by a parent or teacher, the molestation or beating of a child, being told not to cry or to “get over it”, the loss of a job or a divorce, a sudden death or life-changing accident.
False empowerment is when a parent over inflates a childs sense of self, teaches them they can do no wrong, or does not hold them accountable for their actions.
When the trauma occurs in childhood, it changes your experience of yourself and your world. As a child, you are more vulnerable, have fewer coping skills and fewer resources than in adulthood.
Our human instinct is to protect ourselves and we do that, often, by finding ways to cut ourselves off, through denial that we have been hurt, dissociation from the painful event, or repression of the memory of the trauma. The symptoms of unresolved trauma may include, among many others, addictive behaviors, an inability to deal with conflict, anxiety, confusion, depression, an innate belief that we have no value (Type I), or an overinflated view of self that gets in the way of recognizing our impact on others (Type II).
The Impact on Relationships
Living with unresolved wounds and bringing all the resulting behaviors to your relationships is clearly not conducive to healthy, happy intimacy.
When your emotional health has been compromised and you soldier on through life, “sucking it up,” without resolving the trauma that has occurred, the wounds will continue to fester, not only in how you perceive and treat yourself, but in how you treat others.
When the trauma remains unacknowledged or unresolved, there will likely be frequent triggers that cause an emotional response—behaviors on the part of others that unintentionally act as cues or reminders of the original trauma.For example, if you had parents who were emotionally distant or physically absent when you were a child and you felt abandoned, when your spouse comes home late from work you may feel powerless and rejected.
Your spouse (or your friend, relative, partner or colleague) may have only your highest good in mind, but when you see life through your scars, you experience attacks where none are intended. Likewise, when you see yourself as unworthy, you may not effectively express and preserve your worth in relationships.
With Type II Falsely Empowered traumas, a trigger may be when your spouse points out how your behavior hurt them. Being taught that you could do no wrong and not being held accountable for your actions, the very notion that you hurt someone else may be something you wall off from and don’t admit to yourself or your spouse. So you become defensive and deny any wrongdoing repeatedly.
The unresolved trauma is the filter through which you see the world and all your relationships.
Resolving the Unresolved
If you have unresolved trauma in your life, you are certainly not alone. Here are some ways to begin to address and heal the trauma and change the effect it has upon your life and relationships:
Understand trauma and its effects. Read books about recovering from trauma. Talk with a therapist to see what behaviors in your life may be related to an early traumatic event, whether you remember the specifics of an event or not. And explore both types of trauma, not only disempowering trauma, which is more well known than false empowerment.
Share your story. Write about your experiences, from the past and present, in a journal. Or ask a trusted friend or counselor to listen and bear witness as you share what happened. From telling your story, you may discover the connections between what’s happening now in your life and what you carry with you from the past.
Develop witness consciousness. Begin to notice all the thoughts and feelings that arise from the position of an observer. In your relationships, start to be aware when “this isn’t that.” Sometimes a spouse coming home late from work is just that. Notice when you are triggered and all the “self-talk” that comes along with that.
Share the trigger. When you begin to notice that you are triggered, and what you are feeling may not be the truth of the present moment, say “I feel triggered (by what you said or did).” This can be a great way of stepping outside of the emotional response, naming it, and talking about what happened without any blame. Own it as your feelings, not their “fault”.
Develop emotional resilience. As Emily Dickinson wrote: “The best way out is through.” Experience your feelings, rather than pushing them away—notice them and name them. Feel the sadness. Feel the anger. Become aware of where the feeling is in your body—in your throat? In your heart? Your emotions then can serve you as information guides moving you towards healing.
Learn new ways of self-soothing. Healing entails having the tools to soothe and comfort yourself. What soothes you? Journaling? A hot water bottle? A warm bath? Develop new self-caring behaviors. All this self-loving will spill over into your relationships.
Consider the spiritual dimension. Begin to see your life as part of a bigger picture—as a journey, and your relationship as an ecosystem. It’s an empowering way to see your story in a new light and get a new perspective on the pain you’ve been through or the pain that you may be causing.
The healing of trauma, just like the healing of a broken arm, is essential to a healthy, functional life. Moving towards a healed life means not only coming up from shame and the trauma caused by disempowering experiences, but also coming down from the grandiosity created by the trauma of false empowerment. Realigning with your own wholeness (no better than anyone else and no less than anyone else) brings you more fully into the present, making room for connection, intimacy, and freedom.
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications