Emily, a stay-at-home mom of 4 children, said “My needs are a bother. I don’t want to burden him. If he doesn’t make any plans with me, I assume he doesn’t want to. I’ll be in the background. I’ll make their lives as easy as possible. That’s how I show my love.”
But she was lonely. And sad most of the time.
She minimized herself as a selfless act of love.
Modern culture prizes selflessness and abhors selfishness, in effect setting the two against each other, creating a polarization under the illusion that this dichotomy serves some higher moral purpose.
“The options are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”
While no one would argue with the importance of considering others, it could be worthwhile to re-examine our beliefs about being selfish.
And how selfishness, or more accurately, self-regard is an essential part of healthy relationships.
Do we really aspire to be without concern for ourselves? To have no needs?
Or is it important to value ourselves, to think for ourselves, to have a life of our own, and to be able to love others without losing ourselves?
Emily’s words echo what many women have absorbed in a culture under patriarchy. To be “feminine” means not taking up too much space, minimizing personal needs, and being of service to others.
Women put themselves last, defer to the preferences of others, swallow their feelings and silence themselves all in order to remain connected to those they love.
But this creates an illusion of connection, not genuine intimacy. And the damage to relationships is just as profound when men minimize themselves.
In order to have a genuine connection, there must be something/someone to connect to.
Someone with ideas, preferences, needs, feelings, and desires.
How do we differentiate between selfishness and positive self-regard?
The answers lie at the intersection of self-awareness and boundaries.
I help clients like Emily define themselves as separate from others by exploring what they like or dislike, what they feel, what they need, what they long for and desire. Sometimes, you have to reconnect to the person you minimized and let her have some air!
Inner work, or the quest for self-knowledge, is greatly aided by the following two tools of self-discovery. Inner work is not a quick-fix but a life-long deepening of the connection to your truest self, to your own voice, that can profoundly enrich your life.
The Two Tools of Self Discovery
Journaling
Writing in journals is not just recording events, as in a diary. To journal is to explore feelings, thoughts, experiences, to look for connections and themes, to express the innermost aspects of your life experience. Best is to pick a time—the same time every day—for regular journaling. If you can’t think of anything to write at first, just write, “Can’t think of anything, can’t think of anything,” until the hand begins to fly with the stuff just under the surface. Read Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, for great suggestions on journal writing.
Inner Dialogue
With this tool, you give voice to your emotions and states of being and actually converse with them. For example, ask perfection why it has been so ever-present in your life. What is its role for you now? What does it want, what does it fear?
Either write down your dialogue or enact it. If you choose to role play, stand in a different space, with a different posture and facial characteristics, when you become the trait with whom you are conversing, like the videos you see on Instagram 🙂 A little playfulness through acting can dislodge something that has had a longstanding hold on you.
Embracing “Selfishness”
Understanding ourselves better means discovering our own truth and voice. Authentic connection to yourself is the foundation of creating an intimate life. First, you must be truthful with yourself. Truthful about what you feel, what you need, what you think, and, at times, the pain you are in. The negative effects of our histories, working to change them, building on our strengths and potentials, and relating to people more straightforwardly and authentically.
When we undertake an inner journey and truly understand ourselves—the sacred and profane dimensions of our lives—we develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully, and lovingly with ourselves and other people. There’s nothing selfish about that.
If you’re looking to find true understanding of yourself, contact us to see how individual therapy can help you get there.
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications
