“It takes two people to make a relationship. It takes only one to end it.” -Esther Perel
This painful truth is one that can’t be denied. But there is another side that is not spoken of enough.
You can make powerful changes even when your partner doesn’t want to do the work – especially if that work means going to couples therapy.
First, it’s important to make sure your partner really doesn’t want to go. Lorna Hecker, Clinic Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Center of Purdue University, lists these tips for asking your partner to join you in marital/relationship therapy:
- Ask your partner to join you in therapy. Most people are just afraid to ask. Express your concern about your relationship in a non-blaming way. Don’t let the myth that “he/she will never go to counseling” dissuade you. As a therapist, I hear this all the time, and 90 percent of the time, it just isn’t true that someone will never go to therapy.
- If you have asked your partner to go to therapy before and he/she refused, ask again, but ask differently. Most people, because they are hurting,, have great difficulty asking their partner to go to counseling in a non-defensive, caring way. Try, “I love you, I care about us and I need some help in learning how to communicate to you better. I would like us to try counseling to make things better.” Select a time when there are no distractions, and your partner is rested.
- Try the broken record technique. Don’t let your partner pull you into an argument. With the broken record technique, you say on repeat something like: “We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That’s why I would like for us to go to marital therapy.” Say it over and over (like a broken record), calmly, without escalation, rather than get pulled into an argument. Also, ask for what you do want from your partner, rather than what you don’t want.
And if your partner absolutely refuses to try counseling?
Go yourself. You can change your side of the repeated negative interactions, and that is a powerful shift. Even if only one person in a relationship sees a counselor or therapist, change can happen.
If you experience your relationship as chronically upsetting or dissatisfying, the difficult reality is that you are a part of the system that sustains the dysfunction. A painful realization which is ultimately liberating. Like Dorothy and her ruby slippers, every step along the journey you have great power to change your circumstances.
Although it’s important to acknowledge your disappointment that your partner won’t go to therapy with you, it’s even more important to move on to the next step.
Your relationship with yourself has significant impact on your relationship with others. In my counseling sessions with clients, I’ll often discuss their view of themselves. How they relate to themself between their ears.
If taking care of you means going to counseling, first make sure you are truly committed to changing. Counseling can be very emotionally challenging because you are forced to come face to face with some painful realities about the ways you interact with your partner. A “what can I do to be a happier person and maybe improve my relationship, too?” approach will probably be more effective than a “what do I do to get him/her to change so I can be happier?”
This step takes a lot of courage and commitment, but it’s a step few regret taking—even alone.
The Three Cs of Change
Any change begins with courage, clarity, and commitment.
Courage. It takes courage to be truthful about your own part in keeping the relationship “stuck.” For some people, being “right” is more important than creating a new and better relationship. It takes courage to jump off that pedestal.
Clarity. Who are you, and what do you want in your relationship? When you can clearly see how you helped create your relationship, it’s a lot easier to change.
Commitment. Change requires taking the leap and sincerely dedicating yourself to creating a shift. Your partner may or may not cooperate with you, but in the end, you will have made the necessary changes to be ready and willing for a productive relationship.
Author’s content used under license, © Claire Communications
If you’re looking to work on your relationship but your partner is not willing, contact us to schedule a free consultation, or visit our individual therapy page to learn more about our approach and how it can help you.
