Remember when you were dating and desperately wanted the attention of your significant other. It was fun and exciting, and the thought of their touch was enough to make you melt. Fast forward to the present day. Do you feel the same? Or, do you spend more time turning your partner down than trying to attract their attention?
When your levels of interest don’t match
It’s really OK if you have different levels of interest at different times. In fact, it’s unrealistic to think that you would both be desirous at the same time all the time. But, while you may not always “feel” in the mood when your partner is, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you, or that there is nothing that can help.
An essential factor to handling those times when you aren’t really in the mood is to have a willingness to be seduced. The word seduction stems from Latin and literally means “leading astray”. And the definition in the Merriam Webster dictionary is, “something that attracts or charms”. So, the key is allowing yourself to be led astray and charmed by and attracted to your spouse. Instead, of turning your back on them or shutting down their advances, be willing to change course.
[includeme file=”content/block-video-husband-seduces-sleeping-wife.html”]Many of my clients say that while they aren’t in the mood when their spouse first shows interest, when they are willing to let their partner take the lead they find their way to desire as well.
The importance of your willingness
Allowing yourself to be seduced will only work if you are willing and engaged. Just going through the motions with your spouse isn’t the same and won’t leave either of you feeling satisfied when you’re done. It is important to be genuine and true to yourself.
Imagine that you wanted to have a conversation with your spouse. So, they sat down and let you talk. They were there physically, but they made it obvious they weren’t in the mood to have a conversation. They appeared distant, sighed heavily, and didn’t engage in the conversation with you. Would you be satisfied with that conversation? Probably not. That’s how your spouse feels when you turn them down or agree but do so while letting them know you aren’t interested.
How to be seduced
One of the main ways you can allow yourself to be seduced by your spouse is to remove barriers of unreasonable expectations by taking the pressure off yourself. You don’t have to look like you did when you were 18. It’s ok if you didn’t shave your legs this morning. And, maybe your shirt is stained with baby food and spit up. That’s ok. You don’t have to be or look perfect. It’s unrealistic. Your spouse is pursuing you because they want to be with you.
Is he doing that silly dance in the kitchen with that look in his eye that used to make you smile and laugh?
Is he thoughtfully rubbing your back after a long day as you stand at the sink washing dishes? You may want to get the dishes done and have a million tasks on your mind, but allowing yourself to be seduced means giving in to letting go of those tasks and attending to a special part of your relationship that is enjoyable, playful and secures the bond the two of you have.
Sexual desire, is not a drive or a hunger as we all have been incorrectly taught to believe. Instead, sex is an incentive motivation system. “Instead of being pushed by an uncomfortable internal experience, like hunger, sexual desire is all about being pulled by an attractive external stimulus, as Emily Nagoski, Ph.D so clearly explains in her NY Times best selling book, Come As You Are: The surprising new science that will change your sex life.
Allowing your partner to seduce you means tuning in to those attractive external stimuli in your environment, like the examples from above.
Spontaneous desire is what too many of us expect from ourselves and our partners, when in fact, responsive desire (responsive to the context or surroundings) is normal and healthy. There is nothing wrong with you if you need a different context or environment to tune in to your desire.
How do I tune in?
Take a few minutes to make two lists.
The first list is titled “I turn myself on when…”
In this list, write down the situations, places, feelings, and contexts that you are aware of in which you are tuned in to desire.
- I turn myself on when I take a relaxing bath in the evening.
- I turn myself on when I see my partner playing guitar and singing with our friends.
- I turn myself on when I am on vacation at the beach.
- I turn myself on when the kids sleep at my parents house for the weekend.
- I turn myself on when I get time to laugh and let loose.
I’m deliberately asking you to take charge of your desire by wording it in this way. Your sexuality is directly connected to your sovereignty. Own your wanting, your desire by
The second is “I turn myself off when…”
- I turn myself off when I have a big presentation to give at work.
- I turn myself off when the house is a mess
- I turn myself off when I have an argument with my partner and we don’t get to a resolution
- I turn myself off when I don’t get enough alone time
- I turn myself off when I take care of everyone else’s needs before my own
- I turn myself off when I don’t feel like an equal in my relationship
This exercise can give you a view into the contexts and situations that help you shift from putting on the brakes or stepping on the gas pedal that fuels your desire response system. Discuss these things with your partner so you can strategize together how to incorporate more of what works and less of what doesn’t so that you can both have a more enjoyable sex life.
Remember, that in a healthy relationship you should always have the right to say “no”. At the same time, having that right also gives you the freedom to choose to say “yes” to being seduced. If you’re finding that arguments or resentment in your relationship is making it hard to maintain the enjoyable sex life that you want, visit our couples therapy page to learn more about how we can help you and your partner.
